We were expecting a baby. Actually, we had been expecting one for nearly seven years now. But now as we set about putting together the nursery, it was obvious to us that a baby would come one day soon. Still, no one outside of our family and close friends knew of the upcoming event. So one day I had an idea. I called my cousin Bonnie to see if she thought that my idea was good. She had been pregnant twice so at least she had the experience of knowing what pregnancy was all about.
She thought it was a great idea! So we eagerly set about making plans for my “pregnant adoption.†Bonnie sewed. I had the design. And between the two of us, we created a garment that I shall affectionately call “my tummy.†The garment looks like a sleeveless maternity top. It is fashioned out of white quilted fabric, shaped like an oval and this she sewed to the abdomen of the top. We proceeded to fill the oval-shaped pouch with eight pounds of dry navy beans.
There was our first adjustment; eight pounds was too much. Not only did I look overdue but I couldn’t wear eight pounds on my 5’2, 104-pound frame. So we took out three pounds leaving five pounds in the pouch and sewed up the slit. There it was- my tummy!
I put it on and felt for the first time, the thrill of having a protruding tummy. I definitely looked pregnant and even though, at the moment, I could see that it was a garment, a part of me said, “Baby.†Then I slipped my blouse over the constructed top and realized that it would not fit. I made myself a promise that if I had the courage to wear my tummy, I should also have at least one maternity top to complete the picture. My cousin and I made a date. The following week we would have dinner and go maternity shopping. Until then, I had already two to three bulky sweaters in my wardrobe that I could wear.
The first couple of days were exciting and revealing. I wore my tummy at home in private. My husband was understanding and supportive, but I hadn’t yet ventured out in public. I warned him ahead of time that I would. Careful not to offend me or squelch my enthusiasm, he took this is stride.
As I walked though my daily routine I would find myself touching my tummy gently and imagining that I was carrying our baby. At times, the feeling was so real to me that I forgot it was a garment I had on and not a part of my body. I was conscious of what I was eating and alert to my fatigue, which was a signal for me to rest. I felt like taking better care of myself and I did.
Then came my first “showing.†My neighbor Nina, also an adoptive mom, wanted to drop by to return something, so I invited her in for coffee. But I felt it necessary to forewarn her ahead of time that I would look different. Having told her about my idea to experience a pseudo pregnancy I merely told her that I was wearing my tummy. She responded so genuinely and casually that I forgot I had my tummy on while she was there. We sipped coffee while her toddler Erik explored the confines of the dining room and stairs. I felt pregnant. It was a spiritual feeling. Something made me aware that there was a life soon to enter ours. I was every bit as expectant as I imagined I could feel.
The next week came and I was going out in public. This meant I was about to expose to the world outside our door the news that a baby was on its way. Fortunately, I had two coats that were voluminous and that there was enough room for my tummy and me that winter. People’s reactions to seeing me were curious. As I walked through the shopping center, my cousin, who was walking with me, pointed out that a man had just looked at my tummy. I smiled. “They can tell!†I thought to myself. It was a tiny thrill, and I liked the way it felt. One of the things I had missed the first time as we waited for nearly five years for our now seven-year-old Ben was having someone acknowledge me. Going in the ladies room, one woman smiled at me as she looked at my tummy. I looked at her obviously pregnant tummy and smiled back. Another woman who had a young child with her smiled and asked, “"Is this your first?â€" “"No,"†I said, "I have a seven year old son."†When she asked me what I was hoping for with the second one I replied, "“a girl."†I did not explain that we were assured of having a girl when she replied, “"I hope you get one."â€
There were other times that my creative pregnancy caused responses from others that were surprising and fun. My sister-in-law was about to stop me as I bent over to pick up a fork that had fallen on the floor and do it for me. Then she realized that I need'n’t exercise caution and we both laughed at the touching scene we created at a family gathering. She forgot that it was a garment that I was wearing and so did I. Others around us had forgotten too as they smiled at the kind symbolic gesture. I was visiting a friend when she asked me how I was feeling. When I replied, “tired,†she said, “Well that’s to be expected,†completely forgetting for a moment that I was not pregnant tired, but tummy tired.
My sister Paula regaled me with stories of her pregnancy when I was visiting her home in Madison, Wisconsin. I relished every detail as if I had heard it for the first time. Rather than follow in total ignorance of what it must be like being pregnant, I could now listen with some experience. I waddled too. I had to lay on my side when I rested. I had back pains. I had difficulty putting on my shoes. I was inches further from my kitchen counter and had to bend as I cooked. I rested my hands on my tummy and dreamed about the baby.
On more than one occasion Ben rested his head on my tummy and I was so overcome with the tenderness of that moment. We talked about the baby, perhaps more, because she was so real to all of us especially when I wore my tummy.
Adoptive mothers miss out on a lot of drama-building events of pregnancy because there is no visible sign of their condition. Worse, the waiting is so long that it can be real painful to be asked, “Have you heard anything yet?†I not only noticed things when I was wearing my tummy, I noticed things when I wasn’t. My son and I went to look for a chest of drawers for him because his matched the crib, which would be given to the baby along with a new quilt and bumper pads. The store was filled with pregnant women looking at the many nursery sets that were for sale. These women all had protruding tummies of various sizes. This day, mine happened to be flat. I really felt alone. I was sad that I could not announce too, that I was buying the quilt for the baby we were expecting. It struck me that I had become attached to my tummy and felt different when I was not wearing it.
Oh, there were conveniences to my “removable†tummy. I took it off when I slept, got tired, or jogged. Also, there were places that I felt I could not wear it because I thought people would be confused as in church. Perhaps if I had more confidence I might have tried. I also had to be sensitive to my husband’s feelings. He was being adaptable. I had to be considerate not to push him to where he might object.
There were still the subtle and not so subtle limitations for me in wearing my tummy. I could not join the prenatal aerobic classes. I was in the advanced stages of pregnancy according to my appearance and it was difficult to find a leotard to fit. But I thought about it. I did on the other hand have my experience going to a maternity shop and buying some clothes.
There were things I did not have to go through not having an authentic pregnancy: nausea, gynecological exams, stretch marks, varicose veins and gaining twenty-five to thirty-five pounds of extra weight. I had only gained five pounds and those five pounds I could detach at the end of the day. I was glad that I missed these things. However, there were so many things that I wanted to go through that I did miss out on, such as: breast-feeding, labor, delivery, our birth announcement in the newspaper and swapping stories with other birth mothers. But because I wore my tummy, I was never far from the reality of feeling that there would be a baby coming into our lives.
Would I do it again? In a heartbeat! Would I suggest it to other women who could not experience a natural birth to venture into another realm and experience a pregnant adoption? Absolutely! My adventure into the domain of trying on a pregnancy was invaluable to me. I have some of my greatest memories of waiting for my little girl I can honestly tell her, “I carried you!†I have my cousin and my tummy to thank for that.